Middle School

Part of Turning 30 Series.

I was not a cool kid. I knew it, and everyone else seemed to know it, but until middle school it didn't really seem to matter. One summer removed from sixth grade, and it was the only thing that mattered.

In elementary school, it was easy to fit in. You're still a kid, how different can you be from other kids? We all watched the same cartoons, the same movies, we all had to sit in the same rows of desks and listen to the same person talk about the same shit every day. Sure, there was a pecking order like any other social group, but I can't remember anyone being truly ostracized. This is why in high school you hear nerds and geeks constantly lamenting how, back in elementary school, they used to be friends with the cool kids(and maybe kissed the prom queen on the cheek behind the jungle-gym), and they were(and did), because no one had figured out(exactly) who the cool people were yet(or even knew what cool was, beyond Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Simpsons).

Once I got to middle school, though, distinctions were being made. I didn't understand(and still don't) what we budding teenagers were supposed to think was cool: there was a trend of guys wearing pacifiers around their necks(I guess this proved you were too tough and mature to suck your own thumb?), using styling gel to make what appeared to be a hair helmet, friendship bracelets, Pearl Jam, smoking and a mild disregard for authority(getting in trouble was now "rebellion"). I was definitely not a rubber-nipple sucking, shell-headed smoking twelve year-old, and now I understand why most adults thought we were all insane, retarded, or both.

My clothes, my glasses, and my braces were decidedly uncool. Toys were out, video games were still a neutral entity(but computers were for nerds only), and having the right pair of sneakers was pretty much the most important thing on Earth. Problem was, I kinda still liked toys, I loved video games AND computers, and as long as my sneakers didn't make my feet hurt, well, who cares what name was on the side? With this attitude, I was(clearly) doomed.

It didn't help matters that I didn't know anyone: I went to a different elementary school than everyone else. For reasons I never really understood, I spent kindergarten through sixth grade at Paint Branch Elementary in College Park(on the opposite side of US Route 1 from where I would go to college, the University of Maryland, weirdly enough), while everyone else at my middle school came from the two elementary schools in Laurel. The cover story for this was I was part of a "magnet" program, but now I suspect it was part of some sick sociological study to see what happens when you drop a kid - who is at the most awkward stage of life - into an entirely new school environment. If so, here is what they found out: it sucks. It sucks balls(to quote my seventh-grade self). Tough enough being the new kid, without being the new kid who resembles Anthony Michael Hall from The Breakfast club. Little did all those teasing kids know, though, that I would grow up to be Brad Pitt(Reader's Note: This has not been verified).

Nothing made my coolness(or lack thereof) more obvious than music. I loved oldies, and besides the Top 40 radio hits so pervasive they were impossible to ignore, nothing else. It was my parents' music, and liking it wouldn't make me cool until college(which is when everything reverts, rendering all previous school years irrelevant, thank god). I balked at the notion that a bunch of idiots named the "Beastie Boys"1 could be superior to The Beach Boys. Bon Jovi looked like an ultra-feminine version of The Rolling Stones(a real rock band). In seventh grade English, we were asked to bring in a tape of our favorite song. People brought in the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Guns N Roses, the girl Rolling Stones, the aforementioned Pearl Jam, and my mind wants to say Sublime, but history says this was impossible(it was probably the Violent Femmes). I brought nothing; I was too embarrassed to admit I had no familiarity with anything my peers were listening to, and I certainly didn't want to put up the weeks of mocking that would have followed playing "Sugar Pie, Honeybunch" by The Four Tops.

For another class, we were assigned a project that entailed making your own radio show. You played a couple songs and read a few lines while the rest of the class stared at you(in prepubescent judgment). I canvased my house for any tape that would be borderline acceptable. I didn't own many tapes(maybe Thriller), because I spent most of my time with either my Nintendo Entertainment System, reading, or drawing. Searching my parent's tapes, I finally settled on two candidates: Stephhen Wolf's Greatest Hits, and the soundtrack to Dirty Dancing.

Now, there is a lot your school reputation can weather: a particularly bad week of acne, an stray fart in the middle of class, a lost fight, wearing highwater pants one day, or being extremely nonathletic. Nothing, however, puts a mark on you like playing "Hungry Eyes" and "I've Had The Time Of My Life" to your seventh grade music class.

Hungry Eyes (Dirty Dancing soundtrack) - Richard Marx

---

Luckily, popular music made after 1970 started to leak into my consciousness, mostly due to my friend Joel. Joel moved into the neighborhood when I was starting the sixth grade at Paint Branch. His family moved into the house of my former best friend, Liana. I was sad to see her go, due in no small part to the fact that she was the first girl I had kissed, and she was interested in continuing said kissing. I really had good reasons to hate Joel.

It was decided by his mother and mine that, because we were born only 3 days apart, we should be best friends. Inexplicably, this actually happened.

Joel had an older brother, Sean, four years our senior(making him a teenager, or as I recall, the coolest motherfucker I had met to that point in my life). When I hung out with Joel, after we got bored playing pretend wars with his expansive GI Joe collection(of which I was very jealous) or playing with his NES, we would hang out in his brother's room and listen to his cassettes. Sean's room was, to my naive and innocent eyes, the lair of Satan. There was a poster for something called 'Megadeth': the poster said it was a)the death of over one million people and b) the best metal band ever. He had posters of half-naked women, throwing stars, and his own TV.

One night Joel popped in "Dr. Feelgood" by Motley Crue. It sounded similar to Bon Jovi, but louder, fuller and much more sinister. It sounded like something that my parents wouldn't want me to listen to, and for the first time, that idea appealed to me. We listened to it again and again; I loved the chant 'Dr. Feelgood' and when Neil wails 'he's gonna be your Frankenstein'. I was such a dork, though, that Joel had to explain that Dr. Feelgood was a drug dealer.

Dr. Feelgood - Mötley Crüe

During the summer after seventh grade, spurned on by Joel, I started watching MTV after my parents went to bed. It was there that I was first exposed(nearly) to Anthony Kiedis's taint.


Give It Away Now - The Red Hot Chili Peppers

Indeed, if not for some his sequined speedo(or whatever that was), we would all know Anthony a little better(enough to be on a first name basis). The video for "Give It Away" now was a revelation to me. There, in black and white, were four sexually-charged acrylic-silver painted musicsatyrs . Fueled by love, lust, joy and for some of them, heroin. Where had this world been my entire life? How could I ever join it?(would I need silver paint and horns?)

Watching late into the night(two in the morning was scandalous to my middle-school mind), I saw videos like Nirvana's "Lithium" and Pearl Jam's "Jeremy", giving my cast-off, loser self an outlet that told me I wasn't alone. I would grow up and still be bitching apparently(with power chords), but I wasn't alone. Watching at the house of a friend I met through Joel, I discovered the angry side of my angst: Metallica. If there is a perfect song for feeling alienated, alone and powerless to change anything(and all before 13), it's "The Unforgiven".


The Unforgiven - Metallica

That same friend of a friend introduced me to the awesomeness of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody", bringing some unbridled joy and silliness to my music(though it begins and ends with melancholia).

I wanted more, and I wanted my own music. I bought Nevermind, Ten, borrowed the Black album(hey, CDs were expensive back then), and then, on my birthday, my brother Scott was the first person to ever give me an album. And what an album, Automatic For The People, by REM. Contemplative and mournful, with classics like "Everybody Hurts" and "Man on The Moon", it was the perfect record to have right before high school.

Man On The Moon (Album Version) - BILL BERRY

---

¹During an actual argument I had with some kids about the Beastie Boys, an adult overheard us and said that I was right, no one would remember any of the crap the other kids listened to in thirty years. I guess we both underestimated Mike D, MCA and Ad-Rock, and sometimes sixth-graders are visionaries(Hannah Montana notwithstanding).

1984, Oldies On The Car Radio

I'm 30...and I can't believe that's actually true. Thirty! Fuck, it still sounds intense spelled out. I can't say it's passed by quickly, because it feels like I've been alive a long time. All the requisite good times, bad times, strange times and the few even-keeled times add up. Over the next few days, I'll write about the times that stand out and the music that brings them rushing back. Some of them are just moments, flickers in my mind that last only a second(but bring a big smile). Others leave me shaking me head, wondering what I was thinking. Some are obvious. Others are the kind of quirky, funny little moments that appear inexplicably vivid against otherwise hazy times. Some of them weigh on me(and I've tried to shake them off, rattling them like Marley's chains), while others remind me why it's great to be alive. For better or for worse, this is how I've spent the last three decades.

---

1984, 5 Years Old

I don't want to go to school, I want to be in bed. In my pajamas. With my Voltron blanket. Warm.

Scott has it so easy, even if he is smaller than me and still has to use the car seat. He gets to stay with Grandma Estelle. All. Day.

I have to go to school and do worksheets. I like worksheets OK, except when Ms. Dunlap makes me do them her way. Yesterday, I liked the last problem best so I did that. The middle problems had triangles in them, so then I did those. I like filling in the insides of all the Os, Ps, Ds, 8s, 6s and Gs with my pencil - so I did that, then the first problem. She said it was like an ox way of doing things, and I should do it first to last.

Sigh...school is so boring.

Mom is rinsing out her coffee mug, almost time to go. Yes, I have my backpack. Yes, I have my lunch. Yes, I brushed my teeth. Yes, yes yes yes!

No, I didn't forget anything. No, I don't have to go the bathroom. No, I'm not all ready for school. I'm all ready for my GI Joes!!! I'm ready for - ouch! Yes this coat is zipped tight enough! - a pop tart and orange juice.

It's still dark. Why get up when it's still dark? Grownups make no sense. Scott goes in the car seat, but I can put my seat-belt on by myself now! Mom gets in, Dad starts the car. Doesn't take long for the car to warm us up, though I never can tell the exact moment when it's not cold anymore. I try and try to pay attention, to see if I can tell, and every morning BAM, it's just warm all of a sudden and I didn't even realize it.

I like our car, it's named after a rabbit. I also like that my Dad and Mom like to listen to music! Sarah and Steve told me their Dad only listens to people talking, the entire car ride to Grandma Estelle's! That sounds so boring. I get to listen to The Beatles, The Beach Boys, The Four Tops, The Temptations, Simon and Garfunkel, The Monkees(the ones from the TV show!), The Supremes, The Rolling Stones, Aretha Franklin and a bunch of other people. Band names are so cool. Like superhero names, or sports teams.

---
House of The Rising Sun, The Animals

Oh! It's the song about the house in New Orleans. I really like the guys voice. He really sounds like he's sad, but not in a crying way. Guys aren't supposed to cry. And the music(Dad said it has an organ) sounds so spooky. I wonder what a gambler is? And how can a house ruin anyone?

House Of The Rising Sun - THE ANIMALS

---

Good Vibrations, The Beach Boys

I like the Beach Boys because they sing about cars. Fast cars. And surfing, like Dad used to do. Dad says this is about a guy liking a girl. I guess no band is perfect.

Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys

---

Hey Jude, The Beatles

This song is by the Beatles, and it's LONG. Dad said Jude is a guys name in England, where the Beatles are from. I wish I was from England, then I could sing like the Beatles. I like it when he screams JUDE JUDE JUDEYYY JUDEEY JUDDEYY HEYYY WAAAAHWOWOW! I want to sing like that! I like the tambourine and the drumming.

I also like their song about holding hands( the only acceptable thing you can do with a girl, if you ask me). And that song "Eight Days A Week"(I guess weeks are longer in England), and the song about feeling fine, the one about paperback writers, the one about a car(only one though, they must have more cars in California than in England), the one about sleeping, the one about standing and dancing. And that song about a Yellow Tambourine or something. They sure do have a lot of songs.


The Beatles - Hey Jude - The Beatles

---
The News

Uh-oh, they are talking about the Redskins. Dad is still mad they lost the Super Bowl. He doesn't seem too upset though...wow, I never noticed his hair touched the car's ceiling. All red and poofy. Why do we listen to the traffic report? We always drive the same way. I want to be the traffic guy, he gets to ride in a helicopter! Mom says I should pay attention because they are talking about Michael Jackson. That tape cousin Susan made me is so cool, it has 'Beat It' and 'Thriller'! I love the video, but the werewolf part is pretty scary. What? He burned his hair off? While drinking Pepsi? That doesn't make any sense. Life is confusing. And school doesn't help.

Oh, mom says it was because he was making a commercial. I wonder if I ask too many questions. Sometimes I ask my parents something I already know: I want to see if they are going to tell me the truth(or if I know something they don't).

---

Do You Love Me?(Now That I Can Dance), The Contours

Why would anyone not love someone because they couldn't dance? There sure were a lot of dances back then...the twist sounds like the most fun. I love it when the song disappears for a while then comes back. Boys sure do a lot of work for girls in these songs.

Do You Love Me - The Contours

---

Last Train To Clarksville, The Monkees

My favorite Monkee, Mickey, sings most of their songs. He's the funniest one(at least on TV, their songs aren't really funny). He doesn't know if he's ever coming home. I don't blame the Monkees, I'd get on a train to get away from coffee-flavored kisses too. Sounds horrible.

Last Train To Clarksville - The Monkees

---

Land of 1000 Dances, Wilson Pickett

Dad says the title of this song is 'Land of a 1000 Dances', but he never says it. Is that allowed?

Land Of A Thousand Dances - Wilson Pickett

---

Shop Around, Smokey Robison and The Miracles

I wonder...did Dad 'shop around'? Did he get a bargain? Or was he sold on the very first one? Even though they are icky, it is strangely comforting to know pretty girls come a dime a dozen.

Shop Around - Smokey Robinson And The Miracles

---
ABC, The Jackson Five

Mom and Dad say this is Michael Jackson when he was a kid. He and his brothers were The Jackson 5. That's crazy, a kid in a band! Could me and my friends form a band? I love this part: 'A B C...it's easy as 1 2 3', it sounds so happy. They must have been such a happy family.

ABC - Jackson Five

---
Kodachrome, Paul Simon

Oh my god. They let him say a swear word on the radio. If I said that, I'd be sitting in the corner for at least an hour. Did my parents hear him? Are they going to change the station? They aren't doing anything. It got by them. Good, this song feels like a race. A fast car ride. Especially at the end, when Paul Simon sings faster. And it has piano; not enough songs have piano.

Kodachrome (Album Version) - BARRY BECKETT

---
Satisfaction, The Rolling Stones

If I could play the guitar, I would play the beginning of "Satisfaction" over and over. It sounds dangerous. They sound dangerous. Dad says people thought they were thugs back when he was a kid, and that Mick Jagger was a punk. I can hear it. He's sneering. He can't get satisfaction, despite trying - a lot, apparently(he's on a losing streak). And there are lot of people he's mad at about it. Plus, he smokes! Yeah, they are definitely dangerous. They're....unbelievably cool.

(I cant get no) Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones

---

Heard It Through The Grapevine, Marvin Gaye

Now, I know raisins sing this song on TV, but this version is much better. And I know a woman sings another version, but I hate it when the radio plays that instead of this version. Marvin Gaye. I say his name every time the song plays; I need to remember who he is. My Dad told me he was shot by his own father! My Mom said "John! Don't tell them things like that!", but he said he was just being honest and I could understand. I'm not sure I do, but it's really sad. His voice is like honey, rich and sweet. And it's gone. Damn, disrespectful raisins.

I Heard It Through The Grapevine - Marvin Gaye

---

I love the final, roundy turn up the hill to Grandma Estelle's. I can feel my stomach dip. Estelle's house is on top of a great big hill; a hill that would be so much fun to play on, climb up and tumble down - but we can't! She says we'll tear it up. So it just sits there. Boring. Estelle is nice, but confusing. Sometimes, instead of cereal, she gives us cereal with "fruit cocktail" on it. I don't like fruit cocktail(it's slimy and weird), but Estelle says it's rude of me not to finish what she gives me. Isn't it also rude to feed someone something they don't like it? When I'm grown I won't do that.

Alright, time to go. Dad has to carry Scott, he's asleep! Baby gets to sleep all morning, all day, and then go home and play with his toys. I used to do that, now I have school. Hmm...seems like life only gets worse as you get older, you have to do more and more stuff you don't want to do, but you are "supposed" to do. I have to go to school, Mom and Dad have to go to work. There must be something good about getting older. Well, you get to tell kids what to do. And you can stay up late. You can buy anything you want(though Mom and Dad don't have a lot of toys).

Whatever good growing up is, I guess I'll find out.

30 - How I Got Here

I turned 30 this year...and I can't believe that's actually true. Thirty! Fuck, it still sounds intense spelled out. I can't say it's passed by quickly, because it feels like I've been alive a long time. All the requisite good times, bad times, strange times and the few even-keeled times add up. Over the next few days, I'll write about the times that stand out and the music that brings them rushing back. Some of them are just moments, flickers in my mind that last only a second(but bring a big smile). Others leave me shaking me head, wondering what I was thinking. Some are obvious. Others are the kind of quirky, funny little moments that appear inexplicably vivid against otherwise hazy times. Some of them weigh on me(and I've tried to shake them off, rattling them like Marley's chains), while others remind me why it's great to be alive. For better or for worse, this is how I've spent the last three decades.

----

1978, 0 years old

"The Pilgrim - Chapter 33" Kris Kristofferson

I was alive for 25 days in 1978. Christmas shopping for a three-week old must have been incredibly easy; just buy more baby stuff. Later in life, I would appreciate being born just far enough from Christmas to not get screwed over for birthday presents..

My parents named me after Kris Kristofferson(I suspect weed was involved in this decision, since neither are huge fans), and their liberal swapping of "K" for "Ch" left a profound mark on how I see myself. You see, there are plenty of Christophers, and there are some people named Kris(most of them have vaginas), but I have yet to meet another Kristopher, in person. Thanks to Google, I at least know they exist; in fact I know there is another Kris Teehan - I've seen her MySpace page.

My shortened-name's neutral-sex status has led to some amusing moments: chatting online, I was called a cunt. Before a meeting, a co-worker I'd never met saw my name on the attendee list. Leaning over he whispered in a conspirator's tone, "...hey, what do you think this new Kris chick looks like?"

"Blond, blue eyes," I replied.

People often, after meeting me, revert to the boring "Ch" spelling. This is unaccpetable. To help people remember me, I say "Kris, Kris with a K." In my imagination I speak this with the same cadence as Sean Connery or Daniel Craig saying "The name's Bond...James Bond."

I like my name. It's unique, but recognizable. It almost fits in - kind of like me. All my life, I never fit in anywhere. I realize everyone, everywhere says this but I don't mean I was a loner(though I often was) or an outcast(only by choice). I fit in with the nerds, even though my grades weren't that great, I didn't read Tolkien, couldn't accurately answer Star Trek trivia questions and to this day never really enjoyed math. I fit in with the metal kids, but they were one year older and I was too chicken to drink, do drugs, or fuck(okay the fucking part was not voluntary). Not nerdy enough for the nerds, too nerdy for everyone else. In college I was the Journalism major who also did Computer Science. I explained the web to the writers, and wrote the copy for my CS classes' websites. Even at my current job, I know just enough to make shallow conversation, hoping I won't be dragged over to the deep end. I can only wade so long and still be respected.

Maybe its the strange(ly spelled) first name that causes so many people(especially teachers) to call me exclusively by my last name. From grade school to my current office, I've always had at least one person in my life who speaks my name like they're calling me off the bench. It's strangely flattering and a little annoying, especially since I can't imagine calling anyone exclusively by their last name. I tried it out once, and immediately stopped because I sounded like a prick.

Anyway, I never really listened to my namesake until a couple years ago, which is a shame - besides writing "Me And Bobbi McGee" and some country standards made famous by other singers, Kristofferson made some great albums, my favorite being The Silver Tongued Devil And I. It's a great country record, full of outcasts, love and regret. A line from "The Pilgrim - Chapter 33" stuck in my mind:

Hes a walkin contradiction, partly truth and partly fiction,
Takin evry wrong direction on his lonely way back home.

The first time I heard this line I reflected on the last ten or so years, and thought: well that pretty much covers it. I've made a lot of mistakes, done things that made no sense, and made such a mess of my life at times that it's all become muddled in my own personal mythology. Even I can't sort out the truth from the exaggerations anymore. I'm no Dennis Hopper or Johnny Cash, but it wasn't all cookies and milk either. In the end, though, it's come out OK; I made it home(this requires stretching the meaning of the song a bit -- just a bit -- but hell, interpretation is for the consumers, not the artists, right?).

It all had to start somewhere, with something, and I started off named after that old guy from the Blade movies.

"Death Magnetic", Metallica

• Artist: Metallica
  
• Album Title: Death Magnetic
  
• Record Label: Warner Brothers
  
• Release Date: 9/12/2008
  
• Rating: 8.5
  
• Bands Web Site:  http://www.metallica.com/
• Sound: Metal
• Similar Artists: Megadeth, Slayer, Anthrax

The old Metallica is back on Death Magnetic, their first album in five years. It's heavier and faster than anything from 90s(aka Hard Rock) Metallica. The complicated(or to the non-technical music fans among us, long) songs and Kirk Hammett face-melting guitar solos are back. It's everything fans and critics asked for; a cliche return to form. Which is fine, since we are a cliche loving culture. So much in fact, we'll lie to ourselves to make the cliche fit: the band's last album, 2003's St. Anger, was also(at least initially) hailed as a comeback album, with the band finally turning away from the bluesy-riffs and southern rock influences of the two semen albums, Load and Reload, to a rawer, realer sound. It took a few months to realize raw apparently meant a curious lack of guitar-fireworks(no solos!?!) and a curious abundance of cowbell(later revealed to be a very tinny-sounding snare drum). In short, it was Metallica's worst album. So of course, they won a Grammy for it1.

Anger sucking didn't matter though; all that mattered was nothing on Anger sounded like "Enter Sandman", "Fuel", or "Hero Of The Day". This was important because the consensus(at least among long-time fans and critics) was that Metallica needed to shun the "mainstream" metal sound of their nineties albums(the sound that made them the biggest band in the world). 

Why was it so important(to some people) that Metallica make music the way they did when Ronald Reagan was President? Because, if James, Kirk, Lars, and the bass player from Suicidal Tendencies make thrash metal again, it will mean a)fans can find them "authentic" because their songs will be too long, loud and fast for the general public and b) they can be forgiven or Napster. Ever since the band famously sued Napster, they've had a huge image problem. Which I think is hilarious, since in retrospect, Metallica was completely right.

---

Some people will never forgive Metallica for suing Napster2, and by some people, I mean college students. I have no research or data to back this up, but this is undeniably true: no one is more self-entitled than white college students. In it's heyday, Napster took up 40% of the bandwidth of University of Southern California. That's almost half of a university's traffic, used to download "Enter Sandman" and the theme from Ducktales, and the student body saw no problem with that.

Metallica, however, saw people downloading their entire discography(at the time, about two decades worth of work) for free, and freaked. Now, I agree suing your fanbase is a public relations disaster, but Metallica didn't do that. They sued Napster. Sure, they got some Napster users banned3, but they didn't sue them.

The prevailing argument at the time was Metallica were ungrateful, spoiled, greedy rock stars after more money from the same fans that made them rich. Which is, of course, completely ridiculous. Not the spoiled part, and maybe not even the greedy part -- I'm not rich(yet), but I imagine money can be addicting -- but the "same fans" part. Anyone downloading Master Of Puppets from their dorm room in 2000 sure as hell didn't buy it 1986(unless you were a way more metal eight-year old than I was). I'll bet most of these people bought the Black album, Load and that's probably it(maybe a Godsmack record too, but you can hardly blame Lars Ulrich for that). Sorry quad-dwellers of the early twenty-first century, I can't buy into the notion that buying an album or two means you "deserve" the rest of the bands catalog for free.

Ulrich, seeking to get the band's point of view out, did a skit with Marlon Wayans(who else to better sway public opinion?) at the 2000 MTV Video Music Awards. Wayans played a Napster-using college student, telling the un-hip Ulrich that he was just "sharing" Metallica's "I Disappear"4. Ulrich agrees to this definition of sharing, and has Metallica's road crew make off with all of Wayan's belongings, leaving him almost nude in an empty room. I thought it a crude, but effective, argument.

Later in the show, the creator of Napster, Shawn Fanning, appeared wearing a Metallica t-shirt and said, "I borrowed this shirt from a friend. Maybe, if I like it, I'll buy one of my own." Which would have been a perfect analogy for Napster, if Fanning had developed the ability to clone t-shirts.

The only real people who had a right to be pissed off were old-school, die-hard, and otherwise hyphenated Metallica fans. The Napster debacle showed them what they had long suspected, or already believed, since 1991: Metallica were no longer just like them. Metallica's appeal in the eighties was that they were "real" metal, not a bunch of posers like Ratt, Motely Crue, or Poison. They didn't parade around with strippers, sing about rock star indulgences, or wear make-up; they sang about dark, evil things and looked just like the fans(ugly)5. 

"We're just four fans who got together and started playing," frontman James Hetfield famously said on Behind The Music. "This could be you!"

That sentiment was a lot more believable before the band cut their hair and tracks for Tom Cruise movies. Before, there was no real separation between the band and the fans;in the cold light of Napster, the seperation was all too apparent. But it wasn't Metallica's fault. All of them were rich now, and all of them(save Jason Newstead) had burgeoning families. Metallica committed the cardinal sin of "authentic" rock acts by not pretending they didn't care about their bank accounts. Money mattered, and that infuriated people.

Of course, Metallica wasn't putting out songs about chartered yachts, private jets and model wives(all of which they possess). St. Anger may have been the closest thing we'll ever see to an emo-tallica album, but it's not like there were rants about kids, broken hearts or celebrity-angst. Mostly it was about alcoholism, something any metal fan should be able to get behind.

The band was still rich, though, and popular. To the underground, "true" fans -- and the bandwagoners tagging along for the Napster backlash -- that was sin enough. To please these people, a band should struggle in eternal poverty, turning down any chance to get rich doing what they love. Which, to me, sounds like a pretty shitty deal. I understand, though; a band that was "theirs" was now the worlds. It's as if your best friend won the lottery: now you can't hang out with him without noticing all of his stuff is a lot nicer than yours, shallow people cling to him all the time, and lots of women aspire to fuck him. And then, while cruising in his sports car getting blown by a supermodel, he starts complaining about money. You probably won't relate to him as much anymore, and I get that.

College students, however, had no such excuse. They just wanted a lot of music for free. Which sounds a bit...what's the word?

Greedy.

---

There was a new album I was supposed to talk about, wasn't there? Funny how things turn out.

I'll admit, I was very hesitant to listen to Death Magnetic. All of my preceding apologizing aside, I haven't been captivated by a Metallica album since 1991(just because I think they were right, doesn't mean I loved the music). I only have singles off of Load, Unload, and St. Anger; every earlier album I own in full. I wanted Magnetic to remind me of the band I worshiped in high school, instead of making me realize I'm approaching 30 and the rock gods of my youth are mere mortals. That's some heavy shit to put on a record.

The early buzz got my hopes up, though, and then the early positive reviews persuaded me to finally give the album a spin, and while I can never love a band with the pure adulation I had for Metallica when I was fourteen, for ten fast, furious, glorious songs I was a head-banging, metal-head teenager again.

Metallica; nuff said.

---

1It would have been so easy to make a Jethro Tull joke there...or here. Restraint is what keeps me from being a complete hack.

2Why Dr. Dre, who also sued Napster, escapes criticism is beyond me.

3When this happened, I was working for an Internet start-up. All of us had Napster, which we mostly used to annoy one another by downloading excruciatingly bad songs(I think "I Wanna Sex You Up" by Color Me Badd won when it prompted Steve to tear out Mike's speaker cords). Everyone but me downloaded Metallica songs, and everyone but me condemned the band for suing Napster. I was the only one banned.

4One of the same co-workers who laughed at me for getting banned grudgingly admitted Metallica's performance at the 200 MVAs was really good(he was a fan up until the Black album). I considered this a small affirmation of my pro-Metallica stance.

5And yet each one has a gorgeous wife; that's the power of rock.

ACL Day Three

By day three, we had heard many bands complain about the sun, the heat and the early(for rock stars) start times. Hearing this while holding a dollar can of Diet Coke, eating a six dollar chicken wrap, and having paid hundreds of dollars for a three-day festival pass, I didn't really give a shit. Hell, I wish my workday could start at one in the afternoon. I realize the time the band goes on isn't the literal start to their "work" day, but I don't have an entourage to help me get to the office, so I still don't give a shit. And believe me, I could use an entourage and some roadies, bringing me coffee to help with a hangover, telling me how awesome my code is, doing the boring coding¹ for me, and telling my boss I need at least a two hour lunch break and a vodka-cranberry or I'm not coming back.

Despite my general lack of rock star empathy, however, if there was one band I did feel sorry for, it was The Kills. The indie-duo, and their extremely danceable² blues/garage rock, are best after sundown. Part of the reason they were a must see for Leslie and I was morbid curiosity: we wondered if they would make it through their set or spontaneously combust like a pair of vampires.

During their set, in front of me danced a white girl with dreadlocks. Her hair reminded
me of the pancaked-squirrel roadkill I had seen in the hotel parking
lot. Initially, they seemed - relatively - fine. Guitarist Jamie Hince said, "We've never played in the sun before, this is a novelty."

Maybe they weren't as averse to daytime as we had thought. Things quickly devolved, however, as the sun and heat got to them:

"We are going to publish the number of our agent on our website, so you can call him from the hours of four AM to five AM to complain about this fucking heat."

I wondered, what did their agent tell them ACL was going to be like?

To their credit, Hince and the other half of The Kills, singer Allison Mosshart, didn't mail it in. Mosshart, withering like the Wicked Witch in her nightclub garb under the Austin sun, retreated to the back of the stage("Sorry guys, I'm not built for the sun, I'll be back here"), but wandered back to the front of the stage after a bottle of water and a failed attempt to take her burning boots off. Hince, in between tuning and adjusting the drum machine³, did his half-moonwalk, full-on-sexy shuffle while playing his catchy, abrasive guitar licks. Mosshart, seemingly moments away from dying of heat exhaustion, still delivered with her smoky-sweet vocals. It was my favorite show of the festival. Later, Leslie said she had trouble enjoying the show because the Kills were obviously not having fun. Considering Hince's last words, I can't blame her:

"Come see us when it's dark, this is fucking bullshit."

---

The day before Leslie and I thought we had found the infamous Barton Springs. Little more than a spot in the river were we could cool off our feet and - if we felt adventurous - maybe swim, we were not impressed. Certainly pleasant, but not what the festival guide had promised.

On the third day, thankfully, we had found the real Barton Springs. Essentially it's a swimming pool constructed in the middle of and fed by the river. A sign said "Bottom surface is natural and may be slippery." It should be shortened to "Bottom is slippery".

Taking a dip in the cool, not freezing water was just the break we needed after baking in the festival fields for three days. The Springs was an oasis of sorts, full of hipsters and their ilk swimming, sunbathing and jumping off the lone diving board. It was a cartoonish version of paradise.

Close to dozing off in the grass, I saw a father wading with his baby. When lowered near the surface, the baby excitedly smacked the water with his tiny hands as if it was the most extraordinary thing he had ever touched. As his father lifted him up, his arms would slow to a stop, only to furiously start up again like hummingbird wings when close to the water.

---

Okkervil River started out a little weak. They seemed a little out of tune - and were there sound problems, or was Will Sheff smacking his head into the microphone? Maybe the band was as distracted as I was, wondering what the score of the Redskins/Cowboys game was.

Texas takes football seriously, so it was no surprise that there was a tent showing the game(the day before they showed the Longhorns game). I was tempted, but decided I was here for music, not football. When else would I have the chance to hear all of these great bands?

Still - and maybe I bit hypocritically - there I was, furiously reloading the box score on my iPhone. Below an orange stage banner that read 'AT&T - Blue Room' the EDGE network struggled to let me know if the Redskins were holding onto their slim lead. Frustrated, I finally put the phone down and hoped Okkervil River could keep my mind off all the various ways the Skins could still lose. They killed "John Allyn Smith Sails", and as they segued into the song's send-up of "Sloop John B", I did briefly escape the need to know what was happening in Texas Stadium. That's no small feat.

Walking towards the bathrooms after River finished their set with a rousing rendition of "Kicks", I called my family back in Maryland to see what had happened. Last update I got, the Skins were ahead 26-24 with under two minutes to play.

"We won! It's over!" my father answered.

"Awesome!" I replied. "Now I'm going to be surrounded by sad Cowboys fans! This is the best weekend ever!"

Right after hanging up with my Dad, I overheard one such fan on her cellphone:

"They LOST? How could they lose? But...oh well...we'll beat them in Washington."

No darling, no you won't.

---

A disc in Jack White's back is in the wrong place. His doctor told him that this morning, and now he is telling us this - for the third time in as many songs. If it bothered him, it didn't show in the least. He, Brendan Benson, Jack Lawrence, and Patrick Keeler⁴ were great as usual, from the opening song to the set-closing, transcendent extended take on "Blue Veins".

In the middle of the set, a slightly older man(late thirties, early forties) asked me something I will never forget:

"Hey, hey man - what does 4:20 mean to you? I mean, if I say 4:20, what do you think of?"

Blinking, I looked at him and his(very attractive) girlfriend, trying to determine if he was serious.

"He seriously doesn't know," she said. "I told him ask anyone - ANYONE - here and they would know."

"Oh...well, it's a marijuana reference. You know, pot?" I said.

"Really? Where does that come from?" he asked.

"I don't really know," I said.

"Well, I've been smoking pot for twenty years and I've never heard of it!" he said⁵. "Well - what's your name? - oh, well Kris, should we get you high for that?"

I declined.

As usual, after finishing their show all four Raconteurs huddled and bowed. I wondered, would they do this if they weren't a "super group"? The show of solidarity, is it a reminder that they are a "real" group and not just a collaboration?

I still wonder.

---

Leaving early, but fully satisfied with our ACL experience, Leslie and I walked to Lamberts, a restaurant Leslie had read about. The great thing about traveling with Leslie is she has great, extraordinary taste when it comes to food, and Lambert's was no exception. The chips and queso that started the meal off would have been enough; the chips were warm, crisp and the queso was rich and creamy. The Mexican Coke tasted extra, extra sweet after three days of festival Diet Cokes, and the southern-style mac and cheese was the definition of decadence, baked and served in a bowl. And then, the ribs came. Damn, I wish I was eating at Lamberts right now.

Anyway, while digging into our meals, Leslie and I talked about the festival highlights(in between praising the food). Somehow we got onto Jack White: which of his bands is better(I say it's a toss up), his relationship with Meg White, and her drumming ability. Then, the guy seated one table to my right leaned over to me and said:

"Hey, did I just hear you guys talking about The White Stripes?"

"Uh, yeah."

"I thought so. Did you notice Jack White is sitting right behind us?"

I looked over my shoulder. Fuck. Me.

It was Jack White, Meg White, and the back of some mysterious strangers head. Less than twenty feet away. I briefly wondered if Meg had overheard Leslie and I talking about whether or not she was a good drummer, and if she and Jack got along anymore. I hoped not(even though, for the record Meg, I came down on your side on both issues).

A little starstruck, we tried to continue eating. We played it pretty cool the rest of our meal, only glancing over fifty or so times. Leslie had it harder than I did; my back was to their table while Leslie had to act as if she didn't notice the table of rock stars in her field of vision. When Meg, Jack and company got up and left, Leslie and I stared directly at each other - the epitome of not-caring New Yorkers⁶. The second they were out the door, we laughed at our ridiculousness.

And with that, the festival was really over.

---

¹I know, I know - isn't all coding boring? Still a geek, folks.

²"Sour Cherry" almost - almost - made me forget I was sitting at work, get up and dance.

³Leslie and I have a continuing discussion/debate about whether the Kills should add a human drummer. I say if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Not sure how this applies to a drum machine, but seems to make sense.

⁴Yes, I had to look up the two other members.

⁵Do you suppose he's just smoked so much, he forgot?

⁶Fine, I don't yet qualify as a New Yorker - how many years does it take?

"Wrecking Ball", Dead Confederate

• Artist: Dead Confederate
• Album Title: Wrecking Ball
• Record Label: Razor & Tie
• Release Date: 9/16/2008
• Rating: 8.5
• Bands Web Site:  http://www.deadconfederate.com/
• Sound: Indie Rock(Grunge mixed with Psychedelia and Alt-Country)
• Similar Artists: No one really at the moment.

Being a whiny, white North American male I can easily relate to Dead Confederate and whatever demons they are trying to exorcise on their debut album Wrecking Ball. Many, many shitty bands have aped the earnest anguish of early grunge¹, but no one has taken the "authentic" sound of the early nineties and mixed it so innovatively with something new; in this case the southern gothic of alt-country and the spacey indulgences of psychedelia.

Lead singer Handy Morris's wail waxes from restrained to completely, insanely unhinged - most effectively on "The Rat", the album's best song. Behind Morris's most even performance the band mixes a mesh of grunge minor chords with sparse spans of delicate guitar needling - all building into a psychedelic soundscape2 of pain and desperation. The best songs on Wrecking Ball mirror "The Rat", blending equal(or nearly equal) parts Seattle and Stoner rock. It's a dark, sinister, cutting, innovative and interesting sound. Take "Goner", with its spacey-sounding verse that drives into a pounding, crashing chorus.  Or the haunting dirge "It Was A Rose": the band creates a void and then fills it with epic bursts of sound, ending in an ear-splitting guitar solo. To rob a line from another one of this year's best releases, there are many shades of black - of anger, despair, sadness - and Dead Confederate knows this. Instead of one-note scream fests, the band makes atmospheric songs that illuminate all the subtle shades of angst, and then knock you over. This is not a mopey, dumpy sound. You won't listen to this shoulders slumped, gazing dead-eyed into the world - you will feel alive, angry with passion and grit. No one better fuck with you while "Start Me Laughing" is playing.

Not all of the songs on Wrecking Ball have that level of intensity(though most do); the longer, more Pink Floyd style songs "The News Underneath" and "Flesh Colored Canvas"³ might grate on some. Let's face it, most of us want pop music and anything over five minutes - no matter how good - is asking to be skipped. Confederate slowly builds each song but keeps things interesting for almost twenty hypnotic minutes.

It will be interesting to see where Confederate goes from here. Will their next album expand on the grunge aspect, or will they dig deeper into their southern-rooted sound? Either way, I can't wait to find out.

¹Most people will think of Staind. I won't debate their shittiness, but come one, you know you have at least "Outside" and "Been A While" floating around somewhere.

²When I write "soundscape", I really feel like a pretentious jackass.

³Most likely biggest fan, Hannibal Lecter.

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Buy from eMusic.

ACL Day Two

The makers of Amstel Light should be both very delighted and disappointed. Delighted that I love their commercial with people partying in Amsterdam, dancing in the streets and enjoying a bar-band show, but disappointed that the reason I'm happy when the commercial comes on is because I love the addictive song that accompanies all the young beautiful people wherever they go. And now that I know it's The Fratelis' "Chelsea Dagger", I'm going to download that song, play the fuck out of it for the next month or so, and never be anymore likely to buy Amstel Light than I was before I saw the commercial¹.

The Fratelis, the first band we see on day two of ACL, really gets the crowd going with "Chelsea Dagger": people are actually kinda sorta dancing(or at least rhythmically bouncing). Some of them are drinking Heineken Light(at least it's a European beer). The Fratelis play some pretty good, hooky pop tunes. I'm constantly reminded these days, though, that just making catchy songs isn't enough - everyone has to be transcendent. Any band that seems like it will only be good for an album(or god forbid just a single) or two isn't worth anything. I'm not sure why to enjoy these songs 10 years from now The Fratelis will have to be considered - at the very least - a very good rock band, but I'll bet it has something to do with Radiohead. But I like JET, so what do I know.

---

The sun beat down like a death ray, with Leslie and I in the killzone. We watched Back Door Slam(a power-trio in the Cream tradition, according to the festival guide) finish up a pretty good version of "Outside Woman Blues". I wanted to be enthusiastic for Slam, with their old-school blues-rock approach that I usually eat up, but the heat was sapping what little energy I could muster for their mostly mundane performance. I felt bad Leslie was missing Band of Heathens for this, and felt worse when we could hear them from the BMI stage as we left the festival, heading for Barton Springs. They sounded much more interesting than Slam.

Interestingly, Leslie thought I had recommended both Band of Heathens and The Heartless Bastards to her. I'm not sure what this says about me, but it can't be good.

---

Leslie and I have no sense of direction; luckily Leslie has the sense to ask for directions.

We were headed in the exact opposite direction of Barton Springs(where there was a pool we wanted to use to cool off). It was hyped by the festival organizers and from what we'd heard, it was an actual swimming hole - it was right in the river. After some more helpful locals got us pointed in the right direction, we found it. We thought.

Walking along the river, we saw a few festival attendees taking a dip in the river. It didn't seem that special. The river itself was pretty narrow, the water clear but the bottom a dubious collection of rocks, pebbles and slime. Plus, neither of us had brought a bathing suit. We dipped our feet, remarked at the slight disappointment Barton Springs was, and made our way back to the festival.

The next day, we would find the real Barton Springs.

---

Erykah Badu loves to talk; about her many nicknames², the curious name of her last album(apparently World War III has already happened - I'm guessing we won?), and the possibility of a black President(which gets huge applause). My favorite part of her ramblings, though, was when she advocated overthrowing the United States government.

OK, that's the kind of gross simplification many public figures complain about, but tell me, how else would you interpret someone who told you we needed a whole new system? But that's not the best part of Badu's talk. The best part was when she likened the electing of the President to putting a new manager in a bowling alley, except you see we don't need a bowling alley, we need a skating rink. And what miracle-working manager is going to pull that kind of transformation off? Fucking bowling alleys.

Her music was great.

---

After Badu finishes her set, we stay put because Bright Eyes Conor Oberst will be playing at the same stage in a bit and we want to be fairly close for that. Well, Leslie stays put while I wander off to the food tents, because I have to eat every two hours, it seems. I did have a morning run, which in vacation rationality erases the following: two cokes, two beef-wursts with mustard, one tray of New York style potatoes, one beer, and the eggs, sausage and cheese Tex-Mex monstrosity I had for breakfast. Apparently, it takes four Vacation Calories to equal one normal calorie, and I ran a marathon on the Clarion Inn treadmill. True story.

I'd never seen Oberst, and if you haven't and don't care for him, you should stay away. Because his hipster good-looks and earnest vulnerability will crush whatever hatred you have of him. For the length of his set, you will become what you hate most - a doe-eyed Bright Eyes Conor Oberst fan, swaying to the beat, singing the choruses, and contemplating the vast, mysterious nature of life.

His set was mostly song-for-song from his last self-titled album(which is very good), but he and the Mystic Valley Band did a fantastic cover of "Kodachrome", a song I love because it was the first time I heard anything remotely resembling a bad word on the radio. Well that and "I'm Your Venus" by The Shocking Blue, because it sounded like she was singing 'I'm Your Penis'. And Penis, I don't have to tell you, is exactly the kind of word you want to hear when you're eleven years old and riding in a car with your parents.

---

We walked towards The Black Keys after Oberst's set; unfortunately they were on the other end of the festival grounds. It would be packed by the time we got there. Smoke drifted from the food court over ponds and pools of people; people mixed in a chaotic current flowing towards the stages, tents and bathrooms. These throngs with their poles and flags silhouetted against the evening sky resembled a post-apocalyptic army marching through the hot, flat wastelands of Texas. Should I be prepared to fend off cannibals?

Arriving at the outskirts of the Black Keys crowd, we could barely hear the band. I had heard the Keys were awesome live, so this situation was unacceptable. Leslie and I poked and prodded for openings in the crowd, slipping in between people to seize even the tiniest piece of show-gazing real estate. We kept our eyes open for anyone leaving, shuffling, or otherwise giving us an opportunity to move up. In no time at all, we were close enough to hear the band in full force. It was well worth it.

After the Keys, we stayed for a bit of Allison Krauss and Robert Plant. They did a slow, acoustic version of "Black Dog" that I only recognized by the lyrics at first, then the tune came into focus. It was pretty good. We considered Beck, but the crowd seemed to cover half of the festival grounds. We could barely see Beck on the stage screens we were so far away, but from what I could tell, he looked like a rock n' roll scarecrow(really fucking cool).

We left to find some food.

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¹I have no real Amstel Light opinion, if I'm in the mood for a light beer and it's on tap, hell I might buy it.

²My favorite being "Analog Girl In A Digital World", because it's the most bullshit way of saying your "old-school" I've ever heard.