He's A Mac, He's A PC, I'm Justin Long's Bitch

It's nearly 11 pm on Tuesday night as I write this on the first computer I have ever owned. This information isn't nearly as shocking until you learn that I've been a web developer for nearly a decade. For the better part of that, I have never owned my own computer.

Of course I'm cheating a little bit to get that shock; I certainly had access to a computer wherever I was living most of the time. Except for the first year and a half of my first marriage, I'm pretty sure I had some sort of computer to use, it was just always someone else's. A friend's, a family members, or the best loaner ever, a laptop loaned by the government(before the recent hysteria, and thank god, or I wouldn't know all I need to know about your chances of getting cancer from pennies...I mean, um...this is anonymous right?).

Those computers were always PCs. The computer I'm using right now is a MacBook. I'm using a MacBook because of Justin Long, the hip-indie-hipster kid from Apples batch of Mac vs PC commercials. Yes, I was a victim of those commercials. Yes, that means some tall guy in a suit in some boardroom somewhere can celebrate because their focus group marketing testing worked on at least one consumer, me. He probably helps Urban Outfitters with their marketing too. I'm a part of the "Wannabe Hipster-Indie Kid" demographic. The shame.

Actually, that's all a lie.

I'm a victim of my iPod.

The iPod is a beautiful device and the first Apple product I've ever owned. After borrowing one from my girlfriend for about a month, I wondered how I ever lived without one. It hooked me on Apple. After buying my own iPod, I had to have a computer of my own to go with it, and it had to be a Mac. Justin Long was just the final nail in the coffin.

So, I guess it wasn't a total lie. The commercials, despite criticism, did work on me. I desperately wanted a Mac, to go with my iPod, to launch me into cool creative productivity. And now I have it.

Interestingly, at least to me, is the fact that my first exposure to Justing Long was the movie Jeepers Creepers. I didnt' realize this until after the third or fourth Apple commercial though, and it's a good thing. In Jeepers Creepers(the greatest failure in broadway history), Justin Long's character dies like a little bitch after his sister can't protect him the Creeper, a monster who eats people for parts. "Wants To Be A Little Bitch Who Loses His Eyes To A Monster-Bat-Thing" is not a demographic I would like to be in.

I am Justin Long's Bitch. I'm a filthy, filthy apple whore now. Feel free to judge and hurl rotten fruit at me.

How is it? I love it. It's been great, if a little bewildering for a long-time PC user. OS X is a beautiful operating system. I guess this means, at heart, I am extremely shallow. I love OS X and all of the beautiful applications that can be used on it(CoverFlow, Delicous Library, etc.).

Plus, the computer itself is nice to look at. It matches my iPod. Filthy, filthy whore.

One thing I particularly love about my MacBook is it's built-in digital camera, the iSight. It has many uses, but one of which I know have intimate knowledge of. So, without further ado, here is my first "guide" to using the iSight:

How To Use The iSight To Take A Picture Of Your Penis For Your Girlfriend

1. Location is key. I, for example, chose to do this in the living room of my parent's house after using their SUV to move most of my stuff to my new apartment Saturday night. It was late, I wasn't going anywhere, and I had semi-privacy. Which leads me to...
2. Complete Privacy Is Unecessary. Do not let the fact that your brother, his friends the catholic school girls from next door and the two rednecks, are a mere room or two away watching a movie. Or that your parents sleep a floor above. No one is in the room now, which should be all the privacy you need to whip it out and pose for the iSight for your girlfriend's viewing pleasure.
3. Your Erection Must Last At Least 15 Seconds. I know we can all suffer from performance anxiety, not to mention it's hard to get in the mood when you have to pose yourself just right and then wait 3 seconds for the iSight to click off a photo. Any last second movement and your member is just a big pink blur. Could be a penis, could be a can of the new Tab. Only you know for sure.
4. Your Mother Must Come Down, at One In The Morning Against All Odds, and Almost Catch You. After this, you will not have any erections for at least a year.

If you follow these steps, you can give your girlfriend the Mr. Happy pics she so wants and deserves.