Things I Learned From Ikea Manuals

1. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to lift something by yourself. Severe constipation will occur. Instead, get help from your shaggy-haired, one ass-cheeked unisex friend Pit Pat.



2. Playing with your ass with both hands breaks things. Instead, plant only ONE hand firmly on your ass and pet your Ikea furniture with the other. Also, ride a magic carpet. Good times.



3. If you become confused, entangle yourself in a telephone cord. After being on hold for over an hour trying to order parts that should have been in the box in the first place, this will make hanging yourself much more convenient.

The adventures of Ikea's own Goofus and Galant aside, it wasn't that hard to set things up at all. Good thing, because I'm pretty sure if Ikea furniture gives you trouble you've just failed some sort of basic mental competence test in society's eyes.

Tonight was the first night my new roommate has been home since I moved in. She is extremely nice. Here are some things about the apartment I have learned from her, though, since moving in:

1. She is not a back belt in Tae Kwan Do, the uniform was left at the apartment after a party almost a year ago, along with a cardboard box no one has looked in during that time(sadly, it was empty).
2. We have free cable. This means we have a disincentive to call the cable company to fix the internet.
3. The apartment next door was robbed a week ago, so we need to make sure to keep all those doors locked. She sometimes forgets.
4. We are infested with silverfish.

I haven't seen any silverfish...yet. That doesn't make sleeping any easier knowing what could be crawling up into my ear. Ewwww...I hate that feeling, it's like wiping off snot.

Overall though, the apartment is great. Free cable and all.